Author: Nik Havert

My best pal and I used to crank Frank Zappa’s Joe’s Garage a lot in college. It has a lot of rockers, humor, and weird stuff you love from Zappa’s work, but I never realized until I picked up my own copy that it’s a concept album about music being outlawed and Zappa’s masterful skewering of the record industry, commercial radio, religion, government censorship, and sexual repression.

The first song on the record, “Central Scrutinizer,” introduces one of the main characters and narrators of the album / play. Zappa plays the Scrutinizer and the character introduces nearly every track. The Scrutinizer’s job is to enforce laws that don’t exist yet, especially those related to “a horrible force called music.” The album is a presentation by the Scrutinizer to warn us against pursuing a career in such a dangerous thing.

The title track tells the story of Joe and his garage band’s meteoric rise to success and plummet into irrelevancy. It’s a groovy cut that salutes 50’s doo-wop, surf rock, and hard rock. Joe runs afoul of the law for dabbling in grooves, so the Scrutinizer sends him off to church to get his mind right. However, he runs into a lot of fun “Catholic Girls” there and is soon getting a blowjob at the CYO. It’s a gut-buster of a song that also has killer bass guitar throughout it and two switches to lounge-style jams that Zappa’s band pulls off with super slick ease.

Joe’s girlfriend, Mary, becomes a “Crew Slut,” in which Zappa sings about the groupie “way of life.” She joins the crew of another rock group and leaves Joe behind. There’s some fine harmonica playing on this track. The disco sound of “Fembot in a Wet T-shirt” shows that Zappa and his crew could (and did) play anything they damn well wanted. Mary gets back “On the Bus” after winning $50 in the wet T-shirt contest, and we’re treated to a great instrumental guitar solo taken from earlier live recordings in a process called xenochrony. Joe hears about Mary’s infidelity and finds solace in a new girl, Lucille, who gives him a venereal disease, which leads us to “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” – a song only Zappa could get away with putting on an album back then, let alone load the song with rock guitars and drums big enough for a concert hall. The following track, “Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up,” is a slow reggae jam as frequent Zappa collaborator Ike Willis sings Joe’s cries for love.

Joe joins the First Church of Appliantology (Yes, Zappa was satirizing Scientology years ahead of everyone else.) in an attempt to shed his earthly desires, only to learn he’s a “latent appliance fetishist.” Joe then heads to a fetish club on “Stick It Out,” where he hooks up with a “Sy Borg” and bursts out in German, and English, “Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch!” Not only is this a song that will have you laughing throughout it, but it’s also one of the hottest rockers on the whole record. The band has a blast on it and everyone fires on all cylinders. Joe goes too hard on Sy Borg in the next track (while the band plays over eight minutes of weird lounge jazz) and is soon apprehended by the Central Scrutinizer’s thugs.

In prison, Joe is told about “Dong Work for Yuda,” which is perhaps the funkiest song about prison sex you’ve ever heard, and “Keep It Greasy” is a far funkier rocker about the same subject than Tool ever made. The rhythm section is on fire for the whole track.

“Outside Now” has Joe dreaming of playing guitar again to at least mentally escape from prison. The guitar work on it is suitably strange and sorrowful. “He Used to Cut the Grass” is a story of Joe’s woes once he gets out of prison and discovers all the other musicians are gone and the world is a squeaky clean plastic world of consumer goods so he has to retreat once more into his mind. The guitar solo on this is almost ethereal and a perfect reflection of Joe’s melting mind.

“Packard Goose” is, on its surface, a song about Joe’s descent into madness but is also a diatribe against music critics like yours truly. It’s a wild, almost freestyle jazz tune with stunning guitar shredding throughout it. Speaking of amazing guitar work, that’s all of the instrumental “Watermelon in Easter Hay.” It is easily among Zappa’s greatest solos and, according to Zappa himself, the best song on the record. Zappa’s son, Dweezil, has been quoted as saying it’s the best solo his father ever played.

The closer is “Little Green Rosetta,” a song the Central Scrutinizer believes is the best type of music. He (Zappa) freely admits “this is a stupid song,” but it’s a goofy yet fine piece of craftsmanship from him and features nearly everyone who worked in or hung out at Zappa’s home studio back in 1979.

It’s a fun, wild, amazing masterpiece. There was a stage show of it in Los Angeles in 2008, but where’s the Broadway version? We’ve had shows about gay puppets, anthropomorphic cats, goofy Mormons, and even adaptations of Monty Python films, why can’t we have Joe’s Garage: The Musical?

Keep your mind open.

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